Some Scriptural Silliness
The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ...
"for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee.
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it."
The wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
The husband replied, "Yeah, right!" So she showed him in the Bible where it says: "HEBREWS"
A man and woman get married. They go on their honeymoon and return a week later. As soon as they had time to settle in, the wife told her husband, "honey, sit down, and I'll fix you a wonderful dinner." The man did as he was told, and the woman soon called him. He sit down and was presented with, Steak, baked potatoe, green beans, and apple pie for desert. He thought, "My goodness, I must be the luckiest man in the world."
The next day, the man went to work. When he arrived at home that evening, his wife called to him, "honey, supper's on the table." Again the man could only smile and think to himself, "I really made the right decision in marrying this woman." He sat down and was presented with: Steak, baked potatoe, green beans, and apple pie for desert. He thought, "well, this is strange, but who am I to complain."
The next day, a similar scene occurred. The man came home, and sat down. In came his wife with two plates on which were (you guessed it): Steak, baked potatoe, green beans, and apple pie for dessert. The man stood up, looked at his wife, and said, "King James Version, Hebrews 13:8." He then stormed out of the room.
His wife thought for a moment, then went to the book case, and pulled down the old tattered King James Bible. She opened to Hebrews 13:8 and read, "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today, forever."
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
While participating in a church Christmas pageant many years past, I had the good fortune to be chosen as the narrator. Each rehearsal went off well and then on the night of the show, I, in a loud and penetrating voice announced the gifts of the Magi as "gold, Frankenstein and myrrh."
After the Christmas pageant, I asked my 6-year-old son if he remembered the gifts that the Magi brought to Jesus. He thought for a minute then said "gold, frankincense, and humor". We could all use that!
My pastor-husband Scott has a sweet tooth, so I knew the chocolate chip cookies I'd just baked might disappear before I returned from running errands. To discourage him, I taped a verse on the wrapped goodies: "Everything is permissible for me — but not everything is beneficial." — 1 Corinthians 6:12.
When I returned I found all the cookies were gone but one, and another verse was attached. It read, "The righteous eat to their heart's content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry" — Proverbs 13:25.
